California Here We Come

“You don’t just go to California,

California changes you,

You don’t come back from California.” – Zack “Gilmore Girls”

My parents had promised me Vienna for my Christmas vacation, but no matter how much I hoped, it never came. Instead I heard the word California come out of their mouths. What?! I couldn’t possibly understand how a person could jump from Vienna to California. Europe, with its vast history and meaningful art compared to the USA? Give me a break.

It turned out that my brother was going to go there for college and we were going there with him to check it out. At first, I absolutely refused to go; I had no interest whatsoever in going anywhere near the United States. But as it turned out, in the end, I decided to go anyway.

It is true what people say: California changes you. It was a fascinating and refreshing new experience. We stayed on a ranch in the Santa Ynez Valley, near a sweet little town called Solvang. My parents never actually made it there, so it turned out to be just my brother and me.

His college, SBCC (Santa Barbara City College) was about an hour away from the ranch, in Santa Barbara. Every morning, would start off by stepping out of my warm blanket, and into a sudden brisk chill, shivering down my back. Five’ o’clock, it was time to catch the bus to the city. It was absolutely beautiful. Everything seemed to look uplifting and there was always a perfect sunshine up in the bright blue sky, only slightly ruined by the sharp cold wind. A whole city located right on the beach, but unlike Panama, you could actually go in the water, although it is freezing cold.

Usually, I’m the type of person who writes to their boyfriend and friends to tell them how much I miss them. But on this trip I didn’t. Not once did it even cross my mind. Every day I would go out and explore every inch of the city. I’d visit the famous wharf, ride all the different buses, shop, have some coffee, sit back in a café and relax.

However, what I didn’t notice was how much I seemed to be growing attached to California. When I came back I was acting differently, according to my friends. I didn’t go out with them anymore, and kept to myself in my own little bubble. I was craving the perfect blue sky and the icy blue ocean breeze. I didn’t want to be in Panama, I wanted to be in California, and stay there. And now that my brother was living there, that made me extremely jealous and long for it every second of every day. Almost all of my friends were angry at me and I hadn’t even called my best friend on her birthday. It was a complete mess. Even my boyfriend somehow seemed distant; I was ignoring his existence, which almost lead to a break-up. I was ready for the next step and didn’t care about my life here anymore. I wanted to move there, and stay there and nothing was going to change that.

Thankfully, I finally snapped out of it. I realized that, for now, Panama is where I live and I have to leave California aside for next year. The time will come when we all have to part, and that is when I’ll go. I’m hoping to attend college there next year. That is when I’ll be able to enjoy it for what it is and move on when I’m meant to. But for now I’ll try to stay happy here in Panama. Because here are all the people I care about and that are the most important in my life. And as for California, I’ll be there before I know it.

Why Must It Change?

“Omnia mutantur, nos et mutamur in illis ” - Nicholas Borbonius-

Why do we make friends if we know that eventually they’re going to leave us behind? It‘s the same way with everything else. Nothing is ever the same in the end as it was when it began. Why do we choose to do things if we know that they won’t last? If we know that they are going to come to an end? We do them anyway and they always happen over and over again. That is why the thing that I hate most in the world is CHANGE.

Just hearing that word makes me choke back tears because of all the things in my life I wish had never changed. The most recent one of all caught me completely off guard. Imagine hating someone for years. Suddenly, 4 years later you realize the two of you have quite a lot in common. That happened to me last year, but even though it sounds like a great encounter it has its downside. While I was away this summer I got a call from my friend telling me that her parents were forcing her to move. She’d be gone by the time I returned to Panama. At first it hadn’t hit me, but now that I’m here it has and I miss her. Not just her, but all the things we used to do together. These memories included my boyfriend and hers, of whom I had played the role of cupid. The four of us were inseparable. Once the year ended and summer came and went it had all been over and I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye. Both she and her former boyfriend are still great friends of mine, only thing is that they hate each other and she’s in another country. Sure we keep in touch but I can’t bring up anything about one of them to the other. It’s hard to not pick sides when one complains about the other, but I try my best to remain neutral, even though I usually fail. Things like this summer are far too much change for me to handle in such a short period of time.

When I think about it now I realize that I’ll never be able to do “what I did that one day” ever again. It may be because the person I was with is no longer a part of my life, or maybe because it happened in a place I no longer live in. These things make me think about hundreds of memories at once, and it’s too much to think about without being overwhelmed.

You may think that I am a hopelessly depressed person who hides away from the fear of everything around me crumbling. Well, I’m not, and I don’t. I have appositive outlook on life most of the time: I’m almost always smiling and I try to be open to new things coming into my life. Change is something that I silently fear while under the covers, like all those monsters under my bed when I was 5. But instead of an actual monster, this fear of mine is going to creep up behind me and before I know it, something around me will change again, and I can’t help but notice. I try not to think about it too much, but when I do it really hurts. No matter how hard I try, I can’t accept that for the rest of my life new friends, places, cultures and other things will just fly in and out of it, some without saying hello or goodbye. Maybe I have a problem, or maybe I’m just too sentimental. I can’t stand it when people say, “Move on” or “Let it go.” I just can’t do that. What’s more, I won’t as long as I can make everything stay how it is and should be. I’m sick of seeing glimpses of all the friends, loved ones, pets, and homes that have flown in and out of my life. When someone says “Let’s keep in touch,” we know that after a while there will be nothing left to say. And even so we try to hold on to that tiny thread that starts off tight and slowly seems to loosen until it has fallen apart. No matter how hard I try to think “It’s for the best,” or maybe “I’m growing up anyway,” I know that I will never be able to truly accept change for what it is. I will always miss the days where a couple of friends and I would just go out and have fun doing absolutely anything. A part of me will always think back to the good old days and wonder why on earth everything has to change and if it’s really all only for the better.