“Omnia mutantur, nos et mutamur in illis ” - Nicholas Borbonius-
Why do we make friends if we know that eventually they’re going to leave us behind? It‘s the same way with everything else. Nothing is ever the same in the end as it was when it began. Why do we choose to do things if we know that they won’t last? If we know that they are going to come to an end? We do them anyway and they always happen over and over again. That is why the thing that I hate most in the world is CHANGE.
Just hearing that word makes me choke back tears because of all the things in my life I wish had never changed. The most recent one of all caught me completely off guard. Imagine hating someone for years. Suddenly, 4 years later you realize the two of you have quite a lot in common. That happened to me last year, but even though it sounds like a great encounter it has its downside. While I was away this summer I got a call from my friend telling me that her parents were forcing her to move. She’d be gone by the time I returned to Panama. At first it hadn’t hit me, but now that I’m here it has and I miss her. Not just her, but all the things we used to do together. These memories included my boyfriend and hers, of whom I had played the role of cupid. The four of us were inseparable. Once the year ended and summer came and went it had all been over and I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye. Both she and her former boyfriend are still great friends of mine, only thing is that they hate each other and she’s in another country. Sure we keep in touch but I can’t bring up anything about one of them to the other. It’s hard to not pick sides when one complains about the other, but I try my best to remain neutral, even though I usually fail. Things like this summer are far too much change for me to handle in such a short period of time.
When I think about it now I realize that I’ll never be able to do “what I did that one day” ever again. It may be because the person I was with is no longer a part of my life, or maybe because it happened in a place I no longer live in. These things make me think about hundreds of memories at once, and it’s too much to think about without being overwhelmed.
You may think that I am a hopelessly depressed person who hides away from the fear of everything around me crumbling. Well, I’m not, and I don’t. I have appositive outlook on life most of the time: I’m almost always smiling and I try to be open to new things coming into my life. Change is something that I silently fear while under the covers, like all those monsters under my bed when I was 5. But instead of an actual monster, this fear of mine is going to creep up behind me and before I know it, something around me will change again, and I can’t help but notice. I try not to think about it too much, but when I do it really hurts. No matter how hard I try, I can’t accept that for the rest of my life new friends, places, cultures and other things will just fly in and out of it, some without saying hello or goodbye. Maybe I have a problem, or maybe I’m just too sentimental. I can’t stand it when people say, “Move on” or “Let it go.” I just can’t do that. What’s more, I won’t as long as I can make everything stay how it is and should be. I’m sick of seeing glimpses of all the friends, loved ones, pets, and homes that have flown in and out of my life. When someone says “Let’s keep in touch,” we know that after a while there will be nothing left to say. And even so we try to hold on to that tiny thread that starts off tight and slowly seems to loosen until it has fallen apart. No matter how hard I try to think “It’s for the best,” or maybe “I’m growing up anyway,” I know that I will never be able to truly accept change for what it is. I will always miss the days where a couple of friends and I would just go out and have fun doing absolutely anything. A part of me will always think back to the good old days and wonder why on earth everything has to change and if it’s really all only for the better.
1 comment:
Some of us hate to change because we lose who we were. Some of us hate it because we lose something else. Some of us don't like it because it's just so freaking frustrating to manage a new way of behaving. Talking to a new face, listening to a new voice, language, and joking differently which we didn't actually understand until we say ... "oh haha..yeah it's kind of funny i guess".
I haven't changed much since the day i was born when it comes down to being me. Yes, although now i can play finance like businessmen, build sets like production stage hands, make love like love gurus, motivate people who wants to end their lives, make people who I don't know anything about laugh at things I want them to laugh about, in the end, I still feel the same towards this world. Questions never stopped coming up for me, that's me. I always ask why do people think and behave the way they do. Why we want what we can't have then only to find out it isn't really what you wanted. Why can't we make up decisions and just stick with it...
Over the course of time, and adventurous journey, I can only say, change is constantly happening. Even if we don't feel like we're changing, I can't find the same joke hilarious after the 30th time. I can find it sweet, or many cozy, or heart warming cause it lingers to the great memories all of us share. However, there are just no space for staying where you are. As a result of that, I figured there's nothing much at remaining always the same...because it's the only reason why everything seems to be fading away.
...I learned the beauty on growing together with the people you want to grow...the things you want to grow with, and it's only gone, because it was here by my side in my memories... it's only beautiful because I appreciate its existance...and it's only wonderful when it enters to its next stage of life whether better or worse, I did not leave it behind in the sands of time.
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